As per usual, NO PITY PARTY, and forgive me as i still don’t proofread.
“When you write your truth, it is a love offering to the world because it helps us feel braver and less alone.”- Glennon Doyle Melton.
And just like that, January is done. I don’t even wanna count the many lost days. “ i feel weary of sharing the way i think in this one but i gotta get it off and clear my air. Letting you in on the taboo side of cancer, type 2 diabetes, hypertension, lupus, osteoarthritis and FND, as i do.
Acknowledge, release and r e s e t.
Reflecting on January, emotionally, and for the most-part really felt like my headspace was more than off. Feeling hung up, distressed, captive and really apprehensive about anything. Obsessed with reading blogs and posts of other Australian people doing “life” with this FND really had me feeling negative and sad because their symptoms of paralysis, chronic fatigues etc. are too familiar, too relatable and their outlook being so helpless i would find myself dwelling with their sorrows as their daily struggles are familiar to my day-to-day dealings.
Everyday felt i was taking a step back further from myself, becoming socially anxious stuck moping in the four walls of home. This swollen control freak was vibing a broken record, forever comparing and mourning for my old my self. I crave for my old-life. Waves of feeling insignificant, inadequate and chronically ill were real. I’m proud to say i’ve been seeing psychiatrist and yes i have been prescribed anti-depressants, the only reason i am not taking them is due to the amount of chemicals i already consume with my daily medication regimen. I always feel better when i write my blog. I know i should STOP reading/stalking others. STOP obsessing so much on FB FND Australian support pages.
Reflecting on Januarys physical feels, the paralysis and tummy ripping triplet tumors are still present. Still being betrayed by my body and somewhat unrecognisable in comparison. Yes, this is from the highlight reell and the lowlight reel but how good is my hair thanks to my bestie Thom. My annoying quenchless thirst, and in turn to endless fizzy thick pee. i’m feeling the wrath of sensitive teeth as of the past fortnight, which reminds me i need to get my chip fixed :/ How good is sensodyne toothpaste though? Its hard when your aches and pains are internal and invisible to outsiders sometimes because while it’s great to ‘look’ better in person everything still really hurts internally. Fatigue is huge. Energy conservation is necessary. Have to plan out day, showering is a process and getting dressed takes 50% tank alone. A supermarket excursion where i walk 25% area is 35% tank spent. A high-car jump is 10%. I nap, or lay completely still in day to recharge and then write myself off again with my exercising regimen. I’m proud to day i been more FTW with my body and putting aside physio advise. I been really really pushing my limits moving w/out mobility aids. It may be only for like 20-60 minute blocks and im truly written off for remainder of day but im freakin’ doing it.
This time this week i will be in AKL, NZ for Dylogens wedding and of course i wouldn’t miss it for the world. Yes, my anxieties are still sky-high, i still wish to be invisible fly on wall i know overthinking it will make my tremors more evident and my fucked up semi-lifeless legs more weighted. Theres 14 stairs, or two lots of 7 stairs into Dylans home. Thats the aim, to get inside without getting overwhelmed. At this instance i can manage one step height dependant lol.
My last google searches
- How to make eyes not look as hollow sunken
- Escitalopram side-effects
- Days between two dates
Uni starts 25 feb and i know its out of question me committing to first block atleast. That hurts. The Great Ocean Road Marathon i signed up to last year is 19th May, 107 days or 15.5 weeks. Far-fetched, but a good goal.
I love my sodastream machine. Thankful for Kimberley and Cass for being so thoughtful and consistent with their fundraising efforts. Even when i sulked and freaked out they continued. Please know i am grateful. Funds will be used for either my own TENS machine and/or my continued private neuro physio rehab. Id love upskilling my own eduction to be able to assist others with their chronic illnesses and/or rehab journeys especially if i cant physically attend uni. Thankful for Jason for being a great friend continuously checking in on me, popping in even though your busy and for delivering me good, nutritious food (https://flyingfitfood.com.au/). Kathy, Don and Soph for the fresh produce and delicious food and constant cheerful positive company. My smother mother, for just loving me and always sitting with me in my dark when i’m in my funky spaces. For not giving up on me, for not beating me up and driving to ALL of my appointments.
I cant exist by putting on rose-coloured glasses and ignoring my yuck. At this instance I can fathom its far-fetched to expect this to be distant memory any time soon but i’m doing my fucking best. Again, its just one (well, aiming 14 please) small steps at a time. Im thankful for the visits, messages, people checking in on me and showering me with the positive vibes. I must apologise for my social anxiety.
I think thats everything, and as expected I feel better already. *Breathe and publish*
remind myself, no-one reads this. it’s just your own private venting space no-one gives a shit. Hello February. Bring it you fucker.