No pity party, and forgive me as i don’t proofread.
FML Im feeling extremely peeved at myself, WordPress rookie me has deleted all my media images that i shared in my previous posts.
i cant believe my first post was Nov 19. Today is 21 Jan. Over two months, would you believe. And I didn’t realise it has been well over a fortnight since i had last written a post. Last week was a heavy appointment week at PMCC, and just some long days that just left me feeling quite bleh. Being shunned around departments at PMCC really plays with your head and by the time i got to my app Friday, my haem asked me how i’m doing and all i could do was shrug, and say “i really just dunno anymore” holding back tears. “I just want be normal”.
She has not been happy with my treatment plans and just hearing that made me feel better. I was left with another medication rejig and i think in the next four weeks i have only three proper scheduled appointments at PMCC, its really nice to be left alone but scary everyone has deserted me. I have seen a psychiatrist who says blogging is good outlet for me which i know is to be true. Everything in my head is such i whirl i don’t even know what to share now because it feels a right messy, confusing debacle. Cancer this, blood disorder that, neurological this, diabetes that. And somewhere along the week it seems i’ve chipped my MF tooth! 😬
Physio told me i won’t be walking for a few months and instead of trying to “walk” unassisted, focus on using aids only and lasting longer periods and to apply for disabled parking ticket. Hearing that fucked me up a couple days believe you me. So of course I been going 500% with strengthening exercises at home, trying to make a n y t h i n g happen. Tens machine going and all. I still cannot feel my stupid legs from knee to ankle, i hobble, scuff and just hope they catch me. It’s a trust thing i got going on, so the leg-lift is still a thing and still very confronting, embarrassing and frustrating. I really dislike getting in taller/higher cars. Thats when i feel disabled. My legs are heavy, still in the graviton. Vision is rubbish everything a blur and i have the deepest bags my photos just don’t do them justice. Stomach still lumpy, inflamed and achy, and i’m still dumb with how to do diabetes, but i think it feels like 24/7 dry-horrors and fizzy wee. Dystonia, marshmellow squash face cant talk, FND, misshapen skull feeling like icicle stabbing. Constant lethargy, i still breathing slow, still have mute moments and sooky baba my tears go off every now and again lol. I flick back at pics of when i first got discharged approx. 8 weeks ago and theres no improvements, the complete opposite but frick i’m an outpatient and i’m grateful.
Yep, plenty i cannot control at the minute, and despite hurdles and obstacles ill take control of what i can. I am doing so much strengthening work plus more till i write myself off for the entire day. Im resting when i need. Im reading probably too much, writing, learning, and being as stress-free as i can. Ive been through this internal warfare many a time but never felt like this. Again, coz I’ve never been hit this hard before. How does that saying go, If you don’t know what fear feels like you can never be fearless. Still vulnerable still have a complex of being in public due to my physical appearance and jerks. Here i am sharing a little of my bullshit smile quasimodo-ness, i wish you could see how deep my bags are in my face. These face shots are less than 24 hours apart, and heres my knock knees. My tits are still huge and look stripperish and my belly still looks 8 months preg nothing interesting there.
Flying to NZ for my brothers wedding in 17 days and i’m very emotional about presenting myself in this manner. I feel really anxious and I just wanna be fly on wall. I don’t want to hobble in front of everyone. I am ashamed of my person, my shakes and my mobility walker and i know i won’t be strong enough to not take it.
What else to get off my chest. My medication is in excess of $400 for the month of Jan, and that’s without odds and sods, parking etc. Preventative actions are always better than reactive ones. Im getting there. Or shall i say i know i’ll eventually get there. Can i say i honour this experience? Am i seeing myself with kindness yet? The daily struggle is so real. Im learning a lot about myself, what i can and can’t do. Im not defeated and i know have so much to share. All we get is one body. embrace all the feelings, and all the parts of yourself. don’t take for granted the little things, like just walking down the street or driving a car. Appreciate your body, and respect what it can do for you. Keep hydrated. Get outside in nature. Move a little more, smile, nourish your body with good food. Get some quality sleep and recycle.
I miss so many things. Just being able to get up and go. I really miss my awesome team. I miss gas-bagging. I really miss the gym. I miss feeling strong. I miss driving. I miss belly laughing. I miss singing and smiling. I miss jokes. I miss structure, and routine. I miss myself. Its only time.. How much? Fuck i dunno. And thats the scary part and legit makes me heart ache. I read a quote that said the bottom will teach you lessons that mountain tops never will.
Lets go with that
Imma share all these lessons when i’m back on deck.