Home bound and back to reality. My brain dump, from 35,000 feet up.
I finished up at Goodlife Hoppers and i took off to Bangkok for a couple days. From a character perspective its the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I got real. Im not sure how obvious it has been, I’ve been operating at a sub-maximal level for quite sometime now. I have been plodding along going through the motions, flashing a meek smile while putting on a facade to pass the day over. Fear of how i will be perceived is why i front. It’s necessary i say i’m not the pity party type and i really struggle being vulnerable, as i’m naturally stubborn and strong-willed in character.
For the first time in my life i am allowing myself to admit that i am physiologically unwell. I been in and out of hospital and just mentally pushing through the line achieving nothing and cheating myself making my own life bloody difficult. Its’ true, we are our own worst enemy so here i am being real, admitting i’m sick so i can move the fuck on with my own permission to heal. Even just that, helps. Few words and an f-bomb, what an impact. It never realised it was about time i actually walk the path to recovery, not tiptoe around the outskirts. I am allowing myself to properly rebuild a harmonious relationship physiologically, physically and emotionally.
I acknowledge i really struggle with walking now, my legs always want to give way and i feel like i’m going to topple over any second. I know cortisol levels are through the roof and my body shrieks with stress. Like my hair is being clean-shaved off with an icy knife on my scalp. I can feel patches of hair missing when i attempt to massage my fingers into my skull to release some tension. My hands constantly quiver, i cant write my name clearly and im not sleeping. Smiling hurts my face and when i lie down i feel my brain is being smooshed in gel. These side effects are painful and these dosages are beating me for all i have. If i make a decision to not take them, then i wake the next day with another tumour lump. That quick. I take them and i feel like drugged out zombie all weak and cant barely string a sentence. Take the meds or don’t? Do i choose zombie or lymphoma feels? Its been 17 years since my original diagnosis.
Truthfully, I feel bit afraid and ashamed of myself starting at the new place sick because of how i perceive myself right now. I feel a little diminished and weak and i am swollen and inflamed. I ache and i’m heavy in heart and in mass. i’m judging me and then I remind myself I am not my body. I have a body, and one i have pushed my physical boundaries hard. Not with respect al all but with an ego and dominance. Look at how i can master myself, i can drop my body fat low and win bodybuilding competitions, i can walk up to Mt Everest. My body can move the distance of marathons and It’s quite confronting when i look back and realise that that was never with love nor respect but with the desire to dominate. because of this relentless attitude of have i almost feel i have disrespected myself and my being my whole life? Last week i would gloat that i am Indestructible, couldn’t kill me off even if i wanted to. Queue that pride thing again, even when my own body defies me i will win. Ask how i am and i choke up. Classic over-thinker vibes. How much info do i share? Do they wanna know really, or is it this general chitchat? Are we gonna get a pity party happening? Do you want everyone to feel sorry for you drama queen? What do i say? i shrug, stand as tall as i can and say ‘im aiite’ i’m above average’ OR ‘im not too shabby’. Im shabby as shit right now, but I’ve decided im gonna work on it. Not suppress or sleep it away, but address it wholeheartedly. Here is where I will share how i actually feel, internally and externally while i continue my job that i LOVE and Ive always known it’s my authentic passion that sets me apart. and my singing.
My training methods are based around strength, mindset and health, as i wish for everyone a long life filled with pride and self-love. so i’m gonna love me up like that too. Its about 11 weeks till my brothers wedding and i think thats nice amount of time to focus on me. My time to pursue self mastery holistically as such, and not aesthetics. Not defy my body with arrogance, desperation or domination. I will see my current shortfalls with respect and kindness. Im committing to myself by making my physical, physiological and emo healing a priority.
Heres my plan of attack; this is how i will work on surpassing my usual Amelia operation levels.
Ill commit to myself by resting when i need to
Ill commit to myself by saying NO, and prioritise a timetable clean.
Ill commit to myself by waking earlier to avoid starting the day in a panicked fright.
Ill commit to myself by blogging weekly (once Harrie teaches me how even load a thing)
Ill commit to myself by eating nourishing food, i’m already chemical warfare with medication no need to add to it.
Ill commit to myself by getting my steps up and being outdoors in nature. Walk to work and to enjoy time with my Pepper again.
Ill commit to powerlifting based training. Not thrashing for PB’s, but moving bracing and stacking with intention with full respect to my body range of motion.
I just cant be fucked fronting anymore, maybe i need this blog more than i realise. It’s quite freeing to know that its your choice to read this. If you are still here reading.. LOL! I’m quite mind-blown at how much clearer i see now, and i look forward to relinking up with my crew and all of us further evolving. Neyo said “Im a movement by myself, but i’m a force when were together” and that really resonates with me.
If you are reading this it means www.ameliapeters.com.au is now published and operating (thanks again Harrie) and I start training out of at Crunch Fitness Hoppers Crossing as of TUESDAY 27th November.
Like Karen’s testimonial said, don’t be intimidated by my looks (FML LOL) subscribe, flick me a message or just come say HI 🙂