No pity party please

I’m just brain dumping all this off because its soothes me to speak my truth and keep an eye up for the lesson.

A good indicator of where i’m at in my head, or the biggest thing most selfless change i’ve actioned is asked if Dyl & Shiloh will have my boy Pepper as part of their family forever, which they have agreed to do so. My boy Pepper has moved on to a family. Now they can all enjoy each other, and make wholehearted connections without holding back thinking i’m going to come and take him. I know it’s the right decision. He has been my favourite thing with a heartbeat for over four years, and i’m happy for them because i know he will be quantified with more love. He is cherished and valued four times more what i can give him especially in my current state.

Another PET scan other day. Its a test where they inject you with radioactive material and you have to keep super still for like, 90 minutes so it can “contrast” everything make cancers etc visible in a scan. you sit completely still, don’t move or talk and is necessary to see the progress of my cancer. i had to phone them because my muscle tremors are getting quite jerky and wouldn’t passover. Im like Parkinson’s disease. and i know this test is important so i was calling to pre-prepare to be sedated or rescheduled to not waste valuable time/resources etc. Everything that could go squiffy kind of did, even though i fasted all day my glucose levels were too still too high (bloody diabetes) so cocktails needed to be changed. I didn’t get sedated. My poofy, jerking face got wedged and strapped into a headpiece with extra masking tape strapped me across my blown-up cheeks a few times over. My dangly knees where strapped in a booster and taped down. they gave me a towel to squeeze to try stop my arms and hands trembling and i squeezed that fucker and just wept for most the 25 minutes in the scan just jerking away i felt surprised that i just couldn’t make the tremors stop. Tears fell, because it felt nice. I unintentionally missed an MRI scan earlier in the day as appts are just popping through and i don’t even know where I’m meant to be. On Friday i got my catheter pulled and went straight from imagery PET scan machine filled with radiation straight to Crunch Fitness for a couple sessions. I cant confirm if i think that was cool/stupid idea.

Im 89% sure i can locate bumps and cancer lumps looking at me from mirror but i aint mad.  i smile like, ‘hi buddy lets roll’. Im still learning how to slow down, getting better at dropping the emotional anxiety, i had a moment where i got super overwhelmed having a few family members over for dinner even though i invited them. My motor-skill is impaired and i’m knock-kneed and walk like i’m scuffing though i’m confident to believe its all medication induced. I’m so relaxed and calm in spirit now i’m home. My body is not recognisable, inflamed and swollen and muscle mass depleted. Precious BMR lol. I know bodies are malleable and i see mine with so much honour and respect. Ive had this lymphoma for 17 years but this stint feels like its gonna be different with all these new added elements going on in there but i feel i’m in playing a different ballpark. Still looping through my way through all the diff departments here at Peter Mac, MRI’s and lumbar punctures and samples and appts all coming through and there was just mention of reintroducing my old meds back again. Lol. The same one i came in to detox from. Well It’s familiar. My haematologist apologised to me today and Im not sure how i feel about that. Im not mad, i understand. Bodies and chemicals and multiple well-educated, thorough caring guesses with the best intentions.  And then me 🥴

Still two hours sleep max a night. Still jittery. Just me and my overactive brain. Thinking, thinking, thinking. I’m off home now, just finished my bloods where I just tearfully thanked the nurse because she hit my vein the first time.  I have to report back again tomorrow mid-morning more appts. It’s hard when you don’t are adamant you just wanna be at home.

Thanks Jason for feeding me this week. Its very tasty and i’m so grateful.  I have had to cancel my hair appointment because i have too many appointments at Peter Mac to attend. I guess thats the full 4/11 by me to date.

Keep it manky y’all.

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