No pity party, and forgive me as i don’t proofread.
This time last year I was standing at Everest Base Camp and it was -29 degrees Celsius. I had on every item of clothing I had packed for my journey. Memories.
It’s that time where I check in, and share my journey with all the things that scare me because strength and growth come through struggle. i’m still working on facing my fears to keep on evolving as a person. Still am shy and it is somewhat humiliating being this vulnerable but as i keep harping on, I know there’s a lesson here for me i need to learn. I am meant to “walk” this path and experience these moments because I am strong enough to carry the load.
Grateful to see the new year in from outside PMC, i was discharged xmas eve after NCS/EMG tests were done at Royal Melb on my little fucked legs. That was a diff experience. Genuine concerns of my reflexes and nerves there’s some promise with my sensory nerves but wait for the report. It was weird knowing she was shoving needles into diff muscle groups and my dumb legs couldn’t feel a thing and reflexes weren’t responding. Overwhelmed once i got pushed in waiting room had a little sulk. Here I was thinking my legs were a byproduct of my emotional anxiety but weeks later they are not improving and i feel like they are my biggest concern. Everyday i am blessed with a different shaped face, belly and leg shape. These lumps and swells just do what they like. Lumps in my knock knees, and legs still slow i potter like a baby giraffe when i can and still gotta do the fling thing. The OT at the hospital offered me a “leg lift” apparatus that just sent me into a balling mess because i cant fathom this stuff being my reality. Some days my face feels free to talk, and some days feel like someone is prying my marshmallow face together that i can’t move my face. I feel zombie brain 70% of day, and 30% of day i feel like me. its improving i think. i miss driving, and being able to just go run errands. grrr. The med transition is on again, and my old regular shemegular meds have been reintroduced which is lovely. It’s familiar and i know it. So i’m being a good girl at home taking meds and resting up and healing. My Parkinson’s tremors are still evident but not too bad but I’m not overdoing it at home. I’m good at lying completely still for hours on end hoping to catch some zzz’s. Sleeping is at 3.5-4.5 hours these days and fire legs still wake me but i’m getting better with my pain management. (durrr) *tip* If constipation is a thing for you, and you need aids like Lactulose syrup… Don’t neck it solo that glue is nasty thick and horrible. Just add it to things, to your protein shakes, coffee/tea or food, like weetbix etc. It’s just like honey and easier to get down. DVT sox for life.
I daydream nasty calluses. I want a Bench 100kg, DL 180kg, Squat 137kg. I’m already committed to two half marathons and one full marathon In Uluru. Start off small goals though, like walking. I yearn for normality. Not being ashamed to be in public (not that pop out for long when i do as i have zero energy to do so) Walking, driving, seeing, sleeping. Am i seeing myself with kindness? Hmmmm. I see with patience and a smidge more respect. Im not stressing myself too hard because theres nothing i can do to move this healing process faster. My heart aches, I get a little mad and teary, but i’m allowed.
What are my thoughts. I have many that chop and change by the hour. Bodies are malleable, health and wellness over everything. Respect your body because fuck its a bitch when you are not in control.
Move your body, nourish your body and be strong.