Cancer. Not foreign to me, but was very invasive this round – my skin has stretched, snapped and scarred itself to make room for the old guest. My neuro symptoms are keeping at bay at the minute and i think i’m all over the ol’ diabetes which is too good. It’s been over two months since I last wrote, which is a good thing. While I have decided I really like writing, I’ve had more than my thoughts and laptop to keep me occupied. I’m back at work, back training and i’ve just finished a block at uni and those things are keeping me out of trouble.
I’m feeling good and I’m well in spirit. I still have stints of nausea and I’m still napping most days, but i’m sleeping well. Almost too well, like i’m playing catchups. I don’t have to hold my eyelids down to catch zzz’s and gone are the months where i was grateful for two hours sleep. I’m no longer waking up shrieking in pain wanting to drill holes through my knees. I can feel my limbs and i have moved away from DVT stockings.
I was going for a stroll around the block, and i bumped into the physio who told me i would’t be able to walk for many months, and strongly recommended that i don’t try walking without any walking aids because I need to savour my energy. I didn’t click who she was at first, only until she was about 50 metres away. Lucky for her, otherwise i woulda humped her leg while standing on one foot. I also stopped attending rehab, they were against the idea of me partaking in half mara and i didn’t feel like hearing that negativity (lol). Well y’all, i completed that half marathon and i got my damn participation medal. I was proud of myself for finishing, I was shit-shuffling and reminiscing how i wasn’t even able to walk only two months prior.
Next month I’m attempting the Great Australian Outback Marathon around Uluru and i’m excited for that experience. Have I been training for it? yeah that’s a negative. My big swollen boobs are my excuse lol. I had a bilateral breast ultrasound done last week, they been giving me so much grief they even ache when I walk. Thankfully reports only showed cysts in one tit, and lumps in the other from my usual cancer so thats great. I wanted to have a turn having a mammogram coz i’m curious.
My last hospital visit i was hoping for a reduction in my medication, which wasn’t approved but i done it on my own accord anyway. Ive been on combinations of dexamethasone and prednisone for nine months, and if all goes pear-shaped i figure the only person that will physically hurt from these decisions is myself lol. I’ll just re-add them back into the medi-mix.
I’ve taken the time to read through all my previous blogs and wow, quite confronting. I remember all the feels, and i can feel the ache in my words. i remember where the tears fell, and I cant even begin to explain how glad I am to be on this side of the fence. I remember when Dad would follow me to work to make sure i got there ok, because i was too stubborn to be dropped off. I was going to work straight from hospital, pumped with chemicals. I remember putting my fingertips in the bags of my eyes to measure how deep-set they were. I remember I couldnt watch tele or rea a book because my eyes would spazz out. Or being stuck in the bath and screaming the house down for someone to help me get out. Not being able to lean over too far because I couldn’t push myself up off the couch/bed. Not good when you’re diabetic and peeing waterfalls all the time.
I remember all those who messaged me, I’m thankful for those who never left me alone while i was down both physically and emotionally. I know I have some great people close, and i’m just so lucky. I know the traits of true friendship. I have been approached by people in public who tell me they have been following along with this, It really blows my mind how far these blogs got around. Ive been told i’m inspirational, but I am chronically ill, not by choice. Ive been told i’m motivational, thats unsustainable. I’m just Amelia. Again, I’m doing my best with the cards i’m just over here trying to reshuffle the deck in my favour.
I’m leaving the house without a baseball cap now, and i’m not staring through the floor when i’m out. I can hold my head up a little longer in public. I’m shit scared to go down again because of how wicked and longwinded that last stint was, i won’t be taking feeling well for granted.
In other news Pepper is doing well and i’m not scared of him anymore because i can hold my own. He is close, and he is loved where he is 🙂
In true fashion i won’t be proof-reading this lol.
Keep well and warm everyone.
Thank you for reading xx