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No pity party please

Im just over here spitting my truth trying to dump my brain off and sort through my fears. Its a big dump but i have to just have to spit this venom somewhere.

Today i have overthought everything and my relationship with myself has been tested today. Today has been a roller coaster ride that i have made on my own accord.  I managed one hours sleep last night. It was like i had someone straddling my body down and gorilla beating my chest trying to smash my heart out so i could not rest. The whole night. My skin is shrieking and i feel like my little hairs have been standing on edge like when you try and dunk a cat in water. These sticky tears have been running, and i’m exhausted with myself. my blood is flowing and it feels so thick like heavy oil slugging.

These are my stress levels from me overthinking an MRI. The MRI. Its’ only an MRI. I have to manually move my legs today because they feel like that gravity ride where you cant peel them off anything and are stuck to the ground. They are not working for me and i know this is my due to my own stress i am creating in my head from overthinking. I sat in my bed at 3am and paint my nails because i need to see how my motor-skills are. My eyesight is negligible but i’m adamant i am in the lines.  Im stressed, overwhelmed, my sunken eyes are unfocused and rolling back, tears are streaming. My heart is thumping so hard and i cant relax. It’s exhausting me. I want to swim, i want to run. i want to sob. i want to sleep. I need time out from my brain and i don’t know how. i am just throbbing with emotional anxiety, and i am fearful of my body and i am foggy in my spirit,

I tell Mum I feel scared today and she tells me she understands. I need help to get in car and then place my legs in the car and off we go for the day to Peter Mac hospital. Theres a wheelchair for me thank fuck. Im extra shaky and jerky at the desk, as per usual and for the past couple weeks mum has to sign on my behalf because i cannot write. Still ,tears flow. My arms > forearms >hands are bruised purple and the nurse hits my vein the first time and i cry with gratitude again.

Im on the in the MRI bed. Im deadweight and cant swing my legs up because I cant move my legs so the nurses move my legs on my behalf over the knee brace and they even sit stupid. They are not familiar legs. Those are my untied Jordans but those are not my legs. My body is going for it like i’m convulsing from my chest and i’m strapped into the headpiece of the MRI. Locked in with the cage piece and little foam extra inserts are smooshed around my face again to keep still i presume. They tell me MRI noises are loud weird noises and not be afraid but i enjoyed it because it sounded angry like me, like, a dubstep skrillex concert and just cried and let my eyes roll back and do that awesome thing they do. They fill with tears and then they roll back and then my jerking shakes lifts my body and then my tears stream from my eyes and down into my ears and repeat again. Theres a little mirror in the top-end of the machine that I’ve notice because my eyes can wind back that easily. i feel like i can see the nurses and doctors all hovering around computer screen and peering at me hovering about.  See, overthinking. Tears. Convulsion. Jerk. Choke.

Im out i’m done i’m out i’m done. Catheter out Mum lets go home i need out of here. My legs are lighter and i can almost stand through my legs on my own. Free. Let’;s go i’m out go home i have to get out,. Home home home my brain is hissing. Get Away. Time out. Im screaming in my head to leave me alone. Im not in a good space and this is because i am overthinking an MRI. What if you’re a neuro patient now too? How many outpatient files can you have across one medical facility?

Face your fears. It’s ok to be afraid. You cant control everything accept it. You don’t have to be strong. My heart aches , my skin is still shrieking and im shaking hard with adrenaline. My legs are finally unsticking from the hospital floor and i can almost stand full extension and i can swing them into the car myself. I want to swim i want to run fast and far and i want to fly and sleep and be anywhere but here. Im knock-kneed cant even stand. This is only stress. Mum and i are in the car, and we are going home. Home. Windows down, chair back, and i’m still still shaking with adrenaline. Ten minutes fresh out of MRI bed, my phone rings. “Miss Peters You have been booked a neurology appointment next Wednesday at 12pm here at Peter Mac.” My legs return to lead and feel heavy again. and i cry. and i shake with harder with adrenaline. Classic overthinking for ya.

Tomorrow, Diabetes lessons and hair appt chop this mop off. My heart has finally started slow down to a normal pace and my blood pressure feels like its dropping in a normal range.  Whoar, I feel better now. Woosah motherfucker. Im currently sitting under the aircon with those hospital issue thrombosis compression stockings trying to get feelings in my legs while sipping a Cherry Plum Kombucha.

Life’s good. Goodness this blogging is great. Ill prob regret this post but no-ones reading anyway so all good 🙂

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